This Livejournal is now mostly Friends Only.

Privacy on the internet is nearly impossible, needless to say - the entries within are generally personal in nature and I do not wish to share them with everyone. Or anyone who isn't on The List. So I expect a degree of discretion and confidentiality from my readers, one I extend in return to them.

My journal is a candid collection of thoughts and stories from my life. That's all. If you wish to read the stories from my life, you may add me as a Friend.

Please comment to be added back.

This damn app has changed the way I'm posting pictures online. I'm sorry LJ had often become a place for me to compile recent other-internet activities... <3

The birds and I when I returned home from Boston.


( more images from life )

I'm in Los Angeles right now - I was just here for a week seeing friends and attending a baby shower. I head back to Vegas tomorrow.

I'm just going to make this a photo/update post, since I haven't posted in a little while and most of my updates are on Facebook. If you follow my facebook, this might be repetitive.

My birds are sleeping beside me right now.
( pictures! )

Another photo by Peter Paradise.



May 2010.

Cross posted from my website... http://avensobrien.com

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” he asked me.

I had thought this was a date, perhaps, and then it started to feel like a job interview. I sipped my glass of wine and gave a number of cheeky answers followed by a few of the five-year ideas that spin around in my head. I added more to the answer a few hours later.

I get asked variations of this question often recently, and my answers are usually in the same direction every time, but they’re not concrete. Still, since he asked me I’ve started to ponder it seriously.

As he said later, “one cannot think about one’s five year plan too often”.

See, I used to know exactly what I wanted. ( read on... )

xposted from http://avensobrien.com

I miss you too, buddy. I'll miss you forever.

Nakoa Moonhawk Estafen
October 5th, 2008 to January 10th, 2012

We lost Nakoa. He has moved on to the next great adventure of the cosmos. I am devastated. My heart aches and I beg that you all hold the Breitbachs and Estafens close in your heart as they process this loss. Just as I log on to notify you all, I find that a dear friend has just given birth to a baby boy today, and I remember that the circle of life continues, heedless to our human emotions. I grieve for one life, try to rejoice for another, and realize that life is continually full of bitters and sweets, but tonight I light a candle for the spirit of Nakoa, and hold the family close. May they have the strength to get through this, may they feel the love we send.

Thank you for all of your love, healing energy and support in this, our darkest hour.

It's from May 2010 but Peter Paradise just sent this one to me.



Something happy.

Crossposted from my blog at http://avensobrien.com



This little boy is Nakoa Moonhawk. Nakoa is three years old and lives in Dubuque, Iowa. His mother is Maple Breitbach, who is the older sister of my ex-boyfriend Jackson. His father is David Estafen. He has two brothers – Alam, who is 7, and Judah, who is 19 months. I consider them family, despite the bruised hearts between us.

On New Years Eve, Nakoa was chasing a toy of his behind the stove and his skin touched an uncovered, live wire of 220 volts of electricity. He was electrocuted instantly, and rushed to the hospital.

He has since been moved to Iowa City where he has been under constant observation. He has been in a comatose state for six days now. He has had numerous MRIs and CT scans and word passed has been both positive and pessimistic at differing times. Western medicine has kept him here with us for nearly a week – now the spirit needs to help.

For those of you who pray, I beg that you pray. For those of you who light candles, make altars, send energy, I beg that you do what you can. We have been hoping for calming, cooling blue light (recommendation for altars, a bowl of water with a candle floating in it?) – we need the swelling to go down in his brain and his body to begin healing. We want him to wake up when his body is ready to do so. We want him to be whole and healthy. We want him with us again.

Nakoa is a dear nephew-by-love to me. He is kind and sweet, and there’s a seriousness to him sometimes (which implies an old soul to me) – but when he is overjoyed and laughing he does so with his whole being. This little boy couldn’t pronounce my name for the first few months he knew me and called me “Awesomes”.

I want to hear his little voice again, and see his little smile. This world will benefit greatly from continuing to have him in it, and I believe miracles are more likely the more people are wishing for one. Please join us.

This message of hope, of love, of light, of healing, has been passed all around this country and this world. Healers and heathens, communities, families, friends – the outpouring of love and support has been amazing already, we just want to keep the vigil going as this beautiful butterfly makes his way back out of his cocoon.

If you would, please think on Nakoa Moonhawk for a moment, and hold his family close to your heart, as we struggle to keep hope alive and see the best possible outcome. I cry as I write this knowing I may have to update this post in any number of ways. May it be the best of ways. May all be well. I can’t bear to believe it will be anything but good news.

Thank you.

Dust collects upon the surfaces about me as I flee my body for the recesses of my mind, rewind - spot the refined lines defined upon the patterns possessed of thoughts caressed by subtle words that don't say anything at all. Reverb is a weird effect, for in an empty space the echoes make false evidence of fullness, and to pin weight upon them would lead to pain within regret. But still - there's a violence to the vastness of desire and a definite pull to chase the bunny down that rabbit hole, there is no goal, just curiosity, for world-tumbling and re-assertion is the ultimate arousal of an artist, and there's still some semblance of purity in my pursuit of art.

The dirt accrued through messy circumstances only textures up the final piece. And still, my thoughts distract in all directions defecting from their loyalties of interest and turning 'round on me, directing like spies upon treaties. But peace is needed in this moment, golden, and the mold unfolds to find there's no need to burn the bridges down, just wait and see as each piece takes its turn to flight and rights itself over the sea. We each ignite a light as we are suns upon the sky, and there's no need for exclusivity as we proceed in our rotation, this animation reveals itself to me.

And again I fail at writing as often as I ought to.

For those who don't know, I Facebook most often and occasionally blog on http://avensobrien.com

But here's what's happened:

After my birthday in October, Iowa boy and I decided to end our relationship. It wasn't a hard call - after my month spent with him in Iowa and the weeks of growing distance emotionally after the return to physical distance, we were both simply over it. It ended mutually and with love, respect and friendship.

I've just moved out of my apartment in Santa Monica which I was subletting for the last few months. I'm on the road at the moment, heading to Las Vegas to find a home for the next 6-7 months.

My life is still in storage, which I'm slowly tiring of.

I was in Boston for ten days over Thanksgiving. I'm hoping to be in Boston for ten days over Yule.

My birds are doing awesomely. A friend of mine has been happy to host them at his house so that I can come and go as needed without stressing them out since I'm heading back and forth between Vegas and elsewhere. I saw them this morning and will see them again in a week after I get stuff done in Las Vegas.

I will actually be blogging more since my life is going to calm down after the holidays, and cross-posting will be part of that.

How are you all doing?